Friday, June 24, 2005
20/20 Hindsight
I can't see twenty minutes in front of me, but my vision is perfectly clear when things have passed. I remember, sometimes, some of the things I've done, or said, that if I had only worn my hindsight spectacles at the time, I would never have done or said. I wonder if people can actually see me blush when I feel my face warming up as I think of my thoughtless actions in life. I know that were I given the chance to go back to some of the events in my past, I would change a word here or there, or eliminate the action altogether. I have not always been a diplomatic sort of person, and I rush headlong into my passions, good and bad, brandishing the sickle of justice at my own will, regardless of other people's rights and feelings. I hope that I have learned a thing or two through my blunderings, but I realize that now and again, that "former self" pushes through the lines and, impatient to get noticed, blurts out or does something completely inane, and my "present self" stands wondering what just happened. Of course, twenty-four hours after the fact, my "present self" dons the hindsight glasses and starts blushing again.It's not easy being human. Oh, it's simple to do stupid things without thinking, to just say whatever is on the brain at the moment, or to neglect something important. It's NOT easy to refrain from doing something you know is wrong, to retract something you've said in a moment's fancy, or to physically do something you don't want to do. It's not easy to be nice when you want to be rude; to be diplomatic with people who do not understand diplomacy. It's easy to point fingers, but it's not easy to point them at yourself.
I recall a very stressful time during my first marriage when we were having a tough struggle with finances, church, children, and the neighborhood. There was a problem with a child that kept coming to visit my boys, unannounced. He was a problem child with known issues and nothing was being done to remediate them. He would be kind one moment to my boys who were much younger than he, and in the next instance would strike out in anger. I finally sat down with this child and told him that he couldn't play with my boys because I was afraid that he would hurt them. This was a problem, evidently, for his father, who came stomping up our front lawn demanding to know why I was forbidding the kid from coming over. Needless to say, stressed as I was and quite ignorant about diplomatic relations between neighbors (which I blame partially on my isolation from society in childhood), I blew up at the man, explaining all the things the boy had done at MY house to MY kids, and ended by blaming the man for having money when we didn't and for judging us according to our bank account. The money thing really didn't have anything at all to do with the issue, but I was fretting about our finances and jealous that this family had more than we did. It's appalling what comes out of our mouths in times of crisis, really. I still redden over this one. I often ask myself, "Where was I when all this was going on?"
There are many accounts like this one over the years, when I've popped off at the drop of a hat during times of trial and tribulation, saying completely unintelligent things and never once did I wear the glasses. Not one time did I pay attention to the outcome, nor care about what others felt or thought. How did I get to that point?
Those were the times when I was grievously failing "the test" at hand, and would, in fact, be re-examined at a later date. How many times have I taken that test and failed? I hope that I am able through the wisdom of hindsight to finally pass these tests as they come along. Thankfully, we are given a second (third, fourth, fifth…) chance to pass. I am sure that I have gained a little bit through these experiences in life, and I know that I will deal with other trials in a better way than I have before, but I am also sure I will still make mistakes. This is the element of humanness.
Unfortunately, there are no glasses that will correct foresightedness. I will simply have to learn to focus on the consequences of my actions and words, and hopefully my vision will improve.
