Saturday, May 28, 2005
One "Peace" at a time
Abuse isolated me. I was a happy and lively child, open and extroverted, until I was sexually abused by one close to me. As a result, I have become an introverted extrovert, which tends to rather confuse anyone who doesn't know me well enough. Anyone who has been abused as a child, whether sexually, physically or emotionally can tell you that it is not something that is dealt with by saying, "time heals all". Because it doesn't. Not all of those wounds are healed in me yet. Facing it head-on helps, but it doesn't make it go away. Now and again, I will question why I do certain things a certain way..."why do I give too much information to strangers?"..."Why do I enjoy solitude so much?"..."Why do I often feel as if I don't matter?". Yes, I have self-esteem issues and I really do believe they come from that abused past. Abusers often ridicule the ones they abuse, as did mine. My abuser still does, discounting my existence as nothing more than a freak-of-nature. My abuser is a "cerebral" type--a pseudo-genius, if you will, who made sure I KNEW that I was inferior, which is why I often feel as if I am an ignorant intellectual.
I have spent many a moment in my adulthood trying to "figure things out", as we all do. Abused people do this. We wonder. We cry. We self-abuse. My conclusions are sound enough to me. I think that most abusers abuse because they feel the need to transfer their own shortcomings on someone else. I have a low self-worth because my abuser had low self-worth. I feel simple-minded because my abuser felt simple-minded despite his "brain-worthy" words. I feel out of control sometimes because he felt out of control.
At one point in my journey to heal this, I thought I had forgiven my abuser. I actually felt sorry for him and confronted him, openly forgiving him. But, words aren't enough and I just don't feel the forgiveness.
This has been a long and difficult struggle from which my adulthood has emerged. I feel that in many ways I have moved on, beyond the SURFACE pain to become a functioning human being, but I am still trying to find peace for the DEEP pain. (The stuff that is embedded in the recesses that are hard to pinpoint, let alone reach.) Still, one "peace" at a time, I am finding these hidden "owies" and soothing them. I find that every bad thing is replaced with something good and new that I never felt before...I can go through my life knowing that I AM worthy--despite what I was TOLD.
I have spent many a moment in my adulthood trying to "figure things out", as we all do. Abused people do this. We wonder. We cry. We self-abuse. My conclusions are sound enough to me. I think that most abusers abuse because they feel the need to transfer their own shortcomings on someone else. I have a low self-worth because my abuser had low self-worth. I feel simple-minded because my abuser felt simple-minded despite his "brain-worthy" words. I feel out of control sometimes because he felt out of control.
At one point in my journey to heal this, I thought I had forgiven my abuser. I actually felt sorry for him and confronted him, openly forgiving him. But, words aren't enough and I just don't feel the forgiveness.
This has been a long and difficult struggle from which my adulthood has emerged. I feel that in many ways I have moved on, beyond the SURFACE pain to become a functioning human being, but I am still trying to find peace for the DEEP pain. (The stuff that is embedded in the recesses that are hard to pinpoint, let alone reach.) Still, one "peace" at a time, I am finding these hidden "owies" and soothing them. I find that every bad thing is replaced with something good and new that I never felt before...I can go through my life knowing that I AM worthy--despite what I was TOLD.
